Be Safe
by TMara
Summary: In the final lair Christine looks back on the events that lead up to that situation and on her relationships with the two men. Then she makes her choice - and moments later she has to make a difficult decision in order to stay true to her choice


Author's note: This is my first POTO fic and my first fic published here. This is strictly movie-based, therefore I do not use the name Erik - Christine doesn't know that that's his name. These are Christine's thoughts while confronted with the Phantom's ultimatum, at times she may be a bit incoherent and changing from directly addressing her Angel to reflecting on his or her behavior, but just think about the stress she is under at that moment!

Reviews are of course welcome - if English is not your first language and while you can read it, you do not feel comfortable writing a review in English, I do read German, French, Italian and a little Swedish as well! But now on to the story.

PS: And I don't own anything or anbody - unfortunately!

This is all my fault. My poor angel, consumed with jealousy and hatred, is holding dear Raoul's life in his hands. He is just as willing to kill Raoul as Raoul has been willing to ambush and kill my angel during the performance of "Don Juan". I have broken both their hearts – and my own.

My angel has all the reasons in the world to doubt my feelings for him and to feel betrayed. It is true that I did turn to Raoul the night of "Il Muto", after Buquet died. I was scared and I was furious at my angel for committing this murder. He, whom I loved with all my heart, had abused my trust terribly by proving to me and the entire world that he was a murderer, a criminal. I know I must have screamed out my frustration in no uncertain words that night, talking to Raoul about the darkness of my angel's world and the ugliness of his face. And yet… my heart knew nothing of all this, for I do remember that I also told Raoul that the sound of my angel's voice made my heart sing and my soul soar – and how his expressive eyes, that held all the sadness of the world, had looked upon me not just threateningly, but very adoringly… At one point I was so close to give in to my heart and to forgive my angel. Had he been with me that moment I know I would have hugged him and kissed him and been willing to forgive him if only he promised not to kill ever again.

But alas, my angel was not with me that night; and Raoul, my dear childhood sweetheart, who had fallen in love with me, thought that his time had come, that my wounded pride and my hurt feelings needed comfort and understanding – which he would provide. I let him comfort me, thus giving him reason to believe that my heart would be able to turn to him. I listened to his words of kindness, to his promises of a life together, I let him kiss me… while longing for something else, the music of the night, the passion that only my angel can awake in me.

My angel! As it turns out he had overheard my conversation with Raoul, and since he had only heard my words but not my thoughts, he believed that it was Raoul I loved, not him. I can only imagine how terribly hurt and heart-broken he must have been that night. My own pain at realizing my idol was just a human being with flaws like the rest of us seems insignificant compared to what he must have gone through on that rooftop. If only I had known! If only he had talked to me the next day. We surely would have been able to sort things out and make up. Our love might have had a chance ….

Of course, my angel was too hurt. He has always suffered from a deeply rooted inferiority complex, caused by his face and the way he has been treated from childhood on. He has never known what it is like to love and be loved. Despite being twice my age, he is just as inexperienced with matters of the heart as I am, and after what he had witnessed he was convinced I had abandoned him like all the others had. So it is understandable that he avoided me for the next few months, concentrating on his music instead, writing "Don Juan Triumphant".

When my angel didn't seek me out anymore, I thought I had lost him and turned to Raoul for good. Why, oh why did I not stay true to my own heart? Why did I not tell Raoul the truth, that I had turned to him that night on the rooftop because I was confused and frustrated and needed somebody to comfort me, not because I loved him? It might still have been in time for him to accept that my heart belonged to somebody else. He might still have been able to learn to see me again as his little sister and playmate, not as a potential love interest – his fiancée. At least I might not have broken _his_ heart as well.

But I was weak. I was lonely and I needed _somebody_. I had lost everyone else: my father, my angel. Raoul was the only one I had left. So I accepted his proposal and became his secret bride. Yes, secret, for deep down I knew that this was not right, that something was amiss in our relationship and that as much as I liked Raoul, I was not in love with him. And I guess I was still hoping for my angel to come back to me …

He eventually did return – in the most flamboyant way you could imagine. It was at the New Year's masquerade, he looked stunning in the dark red costume with the skull mask. I recognized him immediately, and my whole being was drawn to him. I wanted nothing more than to run to him, into his arms and to hug him and tell him how much I had missed him and that it was him I loved, and only him. Of course that would not have been appropriate, and at first he was talking to the managers, Carlotta and Piangi, not me. But then… my heart almost stopped. He turned to me. We looked at each other and neither of us cared about the people around us. I saw nothing and nobody but him and he saw nothing and nobody but me and I knew that despite everything that had happened he was still the only one in my heart. Slowly I began to walk towards him and he slowly walked towards me. I didn't care any longer who saw us or what they might think of us, I just knew that I needed to be with my angel again, to forgive him and to be forgiven.

Then he noticed my engagement ring – although I was not wearing it on my finger but on a chain around my neck, he knew immediately what it was. He ripped it from my neck and told me in front of everybody: "Your chains are still mine. You belong to me!" My heart silently begged: "Yes! Oh yes, my angel, you are so right, I do belong to you! Don't be angry, just take me into your arms and lead me away from all these people – so that we can be together as we both long to be and as we are meant to be!" Of course my angel once again did not understand my silent pleading. He was – rightfully - angry at me for having accepted Raoul's proposal. And that's exactly the moment Raoul chose to appear with his sword, challenging my angel, who - with the help of pyrotechnics - made an impressive exit through one of his trapdoors.

I should have called off the engagement then. But it was too late. Raoul had become overly protective. He was convinced that my angel was a threat to all of humanity and me in particular, and that I must be under a spell of sorts if I felt something for that "thing". In a way I understood what Raoul meant. After all, not even I could deny that my angel had killed Buquet, had embarrassed Carlotta in front of a full house by making her croak, had harassed the managers and lied to me by passing himself off for the angel of music sent to me by my father instead of telling me the truth about himself from the start. If I looked at the situation rationally, it was clear that my angel was a poor choice for me. But what does a heart know about reason? My poor heart still longed for the lonely, deformed genius that had given me my voice and had been my guide and guardian for so many years.

I turned to my father for help, visiting his tomb at the graveyard. Of course I should have known that they'd both follow me. They were both jealous by then, Raoul probably knowing and my angel fearing that I was in love with the other one. When I saw my angel I told him the truth. That my heart was his, even though my mind had some objections. I think my exact words were something like "wildly my mind beats against you, yet the soul obeys". Should I have been more explicit? I guess so. He is so insecure because of his face and his past. He has been through so much. In order to believe that I love him, he needs it spelled out. Repeatedly. He also needs proof of my affection. But Raoul interrupted us and the two men started to fight. Did they understand how much they both hurt me? Did they really think I could forgive either of them if they seriously harmed the other? For even if I don't love Raoul, he is still my dear friend and childhood sweetheart. I don't want him hurt any more than my angel. My angel cut Raoul's arm first and my heart bled as much as Raoul's arm watching this, but then… oh God, my heart almost stopped as my angel slipped on the frozen ground! Raoul quickly disarmed the fallen opponent and threatened to run him through with his own sword! I screamed hysterically "No! No, Raoul!" When he listened to me and let my angel live, I was so grateful! Of course I knew that I couldn't stay behind with my angel and send Raoul away. My refusal to come with him would have angered Raoul again, and they would have restarted the fight that I had just managed to stop with none of them seriously hurt. I had to keep the two apart, preventing them from killing each other. The only way I could do that was to leave with Raoul. Of course, my angel must have seen this as yet another betrayal and Raoul must have interpreted it in his favor.

The next days were terrible. Raoul in his jealousy proved to be no better than my angel. He, too, was intent on killing. And his intended victim was of course his rival. He wanted to use me as bait. I should perform in my angel's opera, thus luring him to the performance, where he could be overwhelmed and captured by the police. I don't know what made me give in. Was I convinced that Raoul was right and my angel a dangerous threat to everybody at the Opera Populaire? Not really. Did I hope I'd see my angel before the opening night of "Don Juan" and be able to warn him? Not very likely. Did I think that if I refused Raoul would come up with a different plan that I would not be involved in and therefore even less in a position to warn or help my angel? Maybe. But maybe, just maybe, I was simply too weak to fight for my angel . To tell Raoul the truth about him, how he was not evil, but misunderstood and how he had suffered such incredible abuse that he sometimes didn't know right from wrong. That he would never intentionally hurt me, though, and that I loved him and hoped that my love would be able to heal his wounded soul. That's what I should have done. Or I should have asked Madame Giry how to contact my angel. I have always known that she has some relationship with him. If I had been able to talk to him, maybe we could have both gone away together before things got too much out of hand.

Instead I agreed to play Aminta in "Don Juan". By agreeing I felt at least somehow in control. I knew all the details about the plan and I would be there and hopefully able to do _something _to save my angel. Little did I know that he had his own plans for that performance. Imagine my surprise when he was suddenly on stage with me, playing the role of Don Juan himself. I knew at once it was him. I would have recognized his voice anywhere. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to warn him, tell him everything. Of course that would have disrupted the performance and not achieved much – he would have been a vulnerable target while I explained the situation to him. And the more I was listening to him singing Don Juan's seductive song of passing the point of no return, the more I felt like it wasn't Don Juan singing to Aminta and begging for her love, but my angel singing to me, offering me his heart once again and asking me for mine in return. Oh my stupid darling, don't you know that you already have it? That you've always had it?

When it was time for me to sing Aminta's reply I poured all my love for him into my singing. I know my voice has never sounded more expressive and more beautiful than when I confessed my love to my angel with Aminta's words. When we walked towards each other on that bridge, the world once again fell away and I saw nothing and nobody but him. I stumbled into his arms, let him hold me and caress me and I melted into his embrace. I didn't even notice that he dropped out of character and addressed me personally, asking me to return his love and let him follow me anywhere – it felt so right to be in his arms. I finally had found home. I wanted to show him how much I love him, that I am not afraid of his face – and in that moment I spotted a policeman at the end of the bridge, looking our way, pointing his gun in my angel's direction. I needed to make my angel aware of the danger he was in, but he was just singing to me about his love, completely entranced, not caring for the world around us. I had to get his attention, and fast. I didn't have time to think. I acted on pure instinct. I ripped his mask off. Yes, I exposed his face to the entire audience, yes, this obviously hurt and bothered him deeply, but yes, it also got him out of the trance and he looked around and immediately understood the situation.

Luckily he had prepared for this moment. He had always planned to win me back that night, he just hadn't expected to get as caught up in the performance as he had been. But now that he was aware of what was going on, he went through with his original plan. He grabbed me, pulled out a knife, cut a rope that was hanging close to where we stood, and with a kick of his boot he opened a trapdoor through which we both fell to safety. He was incredibly agitated and behaved like a madman. I would have followed him willingly, but I can understand that he was furious because I had exposed his deformed face to so many people, and that he therefore felt betrayed and hurt and wanted to hurt me back in return. He dragged me violently down to his lair. I knew he wasn't going to listen and that whatever explanation I wanted to give him would have to wait.

He forced me to put on the wedding dress that he had prepared for me. Oh my angel, don't you know that I want nothing more than to marry you and live with you happily ever after? You don't have to force me. But I had hoped for our wedding to be a bit more traditional, to happen under more normal circumstances, with all the customary preparations and with my friends present. He is still so focused on the horror that his face might cause to those who see it, he tells me of how his mother forced him to wear a mask. My poor angel, what ordeals have you had to endure in your life. But you are so wrong if you think I can't love you because of your face. In fact, if ever I had any doubts about my feelings for you it was not because of your face, but because of your violent temper… He is probably not calm enough for me to tell him this… I should have waited, my words might agitate him further… it hurts so much to see him so deranged.

Raoul. Poor Raoul chose this moment to appear. God knows what possessed him to follow us down to my angel's home. Was it jealousy, was he fearing for my safety, was he planning to be the knight in shining armor coming to my rescue? Probably a bit of all of this. Anyway, my angel didn't take Raoul's presence well. His rival's appearance just adds more stress to the emotional turmoil he is in. He probably isn't thinking clearly right now, if he were he must know that I couldn't forgive him if he harmed Raoul. He attacked Raoul. He caught him with his lasso, he tied him to the portcullis. And now he asks me to promise him my love as the price for Raoul's life. Raoul isn't making things easier for me by telling me that I should not do this, if I love the phantom, my angel, his life will be over. And he wants to see me free of this murderous beast anyway. What can I do? How can I repair the damage and make it up to them for the pain I have caused them both?

Of course I cannot let my angel kill Raoul. First, I do not want my angel to kill, period. No matter who. And second, I want Raoul to live. I may not love him, but he is my childhood friend and like a dear brother to me. But…. I know if I promise my angel to stay with him I will break Raoul's heart. I am also incredibly concerned about my angel's mental wellbeing. Has the emotional stress of the past few hours finally made him break? Is he beyond help now? How can he threaten Raoul like that, does he not know I could never forgive him if he really killed Raoul? How could this happen? How could the three of us ever end up in such a situation? I know that all this is my fault, for not being able to make my angel accept and understand that I love him and only him, when there was still time and for giving Raoul hope that I might love him, when I never did. I did break both their hearts and now they are breaking mine.

I turn to my angel. I had trusted him, given him my mind blindly. And my soul and my heart as well. And he repaid me with such anguish! He is getting impatient. He wants to hear my decision. What can I do? Do I have a choice at all? There is only one thing I can do: stay with my angel. Whether my presence will soothe him and make him return to his normal self again or not, I will have to stay. Whether he will be the man again that I fell in love with or not, I must stay. First, because that's the only way to save Raoul and keep my angel from getting more blood on his hands, and second, because I need to be with him and be there for him. If he will be able to shake this madness, the better, but if not, I will not abandon him. After all, he is the one my heart has chosen long ago, and I am wearing a wedding dress right now and even though we are not married – yet – my heart has pledged itself to him forever and always. In good times and bad times. I will always stay with him and protect him. So I slowly walk towards him, telling him that he is not alone, and that he will never again be alone, for I will stay with him. I suddenly remember that I am still holding a ring he has forced into my hand just before Raoul showed up. It is the same ring he ripped from my neck at the masquerade. My chains are still his – now and always. I put the ring on my finger. When I first got engaged to Raoul I wanted it to be a secret and didn't wear the ring on my finger, but now I do. _This_ engagement is sacred to me. This time I really mean it.

I look my angel in the eyes. He seems surprised. Does he not believe me? Does he need further proof? He can have that! I raise myself on my toes and kiss him fully on his lips. How often have I dreamed of us kissing? How often have I imagined what it would be like to taste his mouth, his sensuous lips, to feel his tongue? When he surrenders to my passion and starts returning the kiss I feel in heaven. Reality is so much better than even my wildest dreams. This is where I belong, and I wish this ecstasy would never end. We have to finally separate for breath. He looks down at me in wonder and slightly moves his head towards me as if he wanted to initiate the next kiss. But he stops. He still can't believe that I'd let him kiss me. So I put my hand on his deformed cheek, caressing it and I kiss him again, even deeper and more passionately than before. I know I have finally found home and that "anywhere he goes I will go too…"

After what seems like an eternity we separate again. He looks at me. I smile at him encouragingly, when he suddenly turns away. "Take her, " he tells Raoul. What? How can he turn me down after what has just happened between us? But he continues, telling Raoul to forget all he has seen here, to take the boat and not let them find us… and suddenly I understand. For now I hear it too, those angry voices in the distance, that come looking for the man that disrupted the performance, abducted the diva and God knows what other horrors he has brought upon the performers and audience at the Opera. He realizes that he is being followed, that he is in danger, we all probably are, we could be considered his accomplices if we are found with him. He wants me safe and he tells Raoul to take me to safety. He loves me so much that he'd rather see me with another man than see me in danger.

Of course he cannot order me to leave him. I will stay with him and we will face the mob together. Raoul should leave, though. This is none of his business. So I run to Raoul and untie him. I hug him, for I am relieved that he is free now and that my angel has not harmed him. Then I open my mouth to tell him that I will be staying. And suddenly I stop. I think. I know Raoul just as well as I know my angel. How likely is it that he will accept my decision? I know he won't. He will throw a tantrum, make a scene and it will take me hours to convince him that I _want_ to stay. If I ever can convince him at all. We don't have that time. My angel does not have that time. The angry mob is approaching. Raoul must get going now, and my angel needs to leave, too, except he won't budge unless he knows I am safe. But even if Raoul leaves now, can I really stay with my angel? He needs to run, to hide. If they find him he will have to face trial for Buquet's murder. Can he escape with me around? Will I not slow him down, be a burden to him? Right now I am in no position to run, or climb stairs – what with the cumbersome wedding dress I am wearing. The truth is, if I want to honor the vows my heart just pledged to my angel, if I want to protect my angel and give him a fighting chance to escape the mob, I have to leave him behind. I have to get Raoul out of the way and make sure my angel knows that I am safe. Why do I suddenly have a sense of déjà vu? It's like that night in the graveyard when I would have wanted to stay with my angel but had to leave with Raoul to prevent further bloodshed.

Raoul drags me towards the boat. "No," I hear myself scream. I have to see my angel once more, say my final good-bye to him. Raoul understands and gives me a few moments. I follow my angel deeper into his lair, where I find him sitting in front of his music-box, singing along to the melody it plays. "Masquerade… paper faces on parade…" Tears are streaming down his face, all his resolve is gone. My heart goes out to him. I cannot speak. I know if I try to say something I will start crying too and then I won't have the strength to leave him as I must. He looks at me full of hope. Does he think I have managed to send Raoul away and will join him in his escape? How I wish things were different and I could stay!

"Christine, I love you," he tells me. I know, my angel. You send me away, so that I may be safe, because you love me. And I am leaving you, so that I may not be a burden to you and you can escape safely, because I love you just as much as you love me.

But the mob is approaching, he must hurry. We do not have much time. I have to tell him that no matter what, my heart will always be his, even though fate is now separating us. I have to make him understand that I am leaving my heart with him. I need to give him the will to live on – even without me. "I want you to be safe, my love," my eyes try to tell him. Does he understand? I feel the ring on my finger, my engagement ring. That ring that I did not put on my finger for Raoul, but for my angel I did. That ring that he once ripped from my neck telling me that my chains are still his. I know what I have to do. I take the ring off my finger. I give it to him and wrap his fingers around it. That ring - which as he once told me, symbolizes my chains that bind me to him – he took it from me once by force, but I am now giving it to him of my own free will, because he was right, then. My chains are his, I will always belong to him. My love will be with him always, as he will always be with me, in my thoughts, in my heart and in my prayers. And we will always have the memory of those two kisses.

I have to hurry. Raoul is waiting and the mob is near. I hope my love understands what I could not tell him in words. I climb into the boat and cling to Raoul. He dreams of our future together, I dream of the future I now will never have. I look back once more, I see my angel crashing his mirrors and I see that one of them hides a secret passage. My angel enters it. I may never see him again in my life, for after tonight Raoul will not let me go and I'll have to marry him. But as long as my angel can escape and be safe, I will be content. Not happy, no, that I could only have been at his side, but content. Be safe, my love, be safe. I paid the highest price for your safety. Let it not have been in vain.


End file.
